I’ve experienced grief before, but mainly as a child. I’ve also
experienced depression before. It lingers constantly above me like a rain cloud.
Some days will be fine, I’ll laugh and see things clearly. On other days, my
thoughts will be persistent, my mood will darken and that rain cloud will have
grown into an inky, swirling storm.
In January, I received the most unexpected news. My father
was in hospital, unconscious in the intensive care unit. It was thought best
that I make my way there as soon as I could. After the worst 48 hours, he
passed away.
It still doesn’t feel real. How could something so
unexpected, so totally out of the blue happen to someone so laid-back and dependable?
It seemed incomprehensible. I couldn’t get my head around it.
While I was asking myself how the universe thought it was OK
for this happen, I carried on. I was moving on. It took a few days to realise
this was happening and when I realised I couldn’t work out why. Grief was
something that broke you down completely, wasn’t it? Why hadn’t I fallen apart
by now?
I still felt that unearthly emptiness. I wasn’t sleeping properly.
I burst into tears at the drop of a hat. I was irritable and it was as if
someone had taken the colour out my life. But I was used to all of this. These are
the hallmarks of depression. Had I slipped back into a depressive episode? Or
was this normal, just grief doing its thing?
I became preoccupied with working out exactly why I was
experiencing each and every emotion. But it turns out that trying to do this,
whilst experiencing a tirade of intense feelings will eventually come to a
head. I just needed to accept these feelings.
I’ve learnt to deal with grief in the same way I do with
depression. I’m working my way through ALL the self-care lists on Pinterest. I’ve
reached out for professional help, I’m exercising more and I’m totally OK with
spending an afternoon in my pyjamas watching Frozen if I need to!
